I lost.
It ain’t a new feeling. I wake up in filthy house I can’t keep clean. Wretched carpet and stained furniture I can’t afford to fix or replace. I’ve been losing my mind over the shame that I’ve worked for nearly a quarter-century and have to live like this.
Afford? I’m selling posters on eBay to pay bills. Sometimes grocery bills. Living paycheck-to-paycheck? I lost that some time ago. Autism therapy bills are expensive. I’ve been appealing what Aetna won’t pay. I’ve been losing.
And work? I've realized that if I was as good as I thought I was, I’d have already succeeded. My victories are history, my losses right the fuck now.
But this is worse. I didn’t just lose. Hatred won. Racism won. Misogyny won. This was a victory for people who wear their religion on their sleeve but don’t hold it in their hearts. This was a victory for people who don't care about truth. This was ... it's hard to understand. Every time Donald J. Trump appeared on screen, you could judge him on what he said. On how he said it. But so many, many people decided that was what they wanted.
This was — and I’m not going to sugarcoat it — a victory for people too stupid to understand or care about the difference between real news and fake news sites and Facebook hate groups. People who scream bias while gobbling up sweet-tasting bullshit ladled out for them. I wonder how many people voted for Trump who never watched a debate, never read a story about him, never seriously considered if we should trust a man whose businesses keep failing — who won't release his taxes — to run our country.
I lost. Now I have to look at Rudolph Giuliani sneer about the Clintons’ sex lives while ignoring his own sleazy history and realize a guy like that won. I have to listen to Dan Patrick pursue his policies of misogyny and crazy and realize he won. Mike Pence? A man who has pursued a policy of dark-ages prosecution against homosexuals? He won.
The guy who trolled my Facebook account, suggesting journalists should be lynched? He won. Ted Nugent and his virulent hatred won. Mike Huckabee and his fear-mongering lies won. That redneck who makes racist jokes about Obama? He won.
Now I have to think about Donald Trump and realize that my next president — he won — is a man who would mock my disabled son. A man who would dishonor my daughter. A man who has disrespected my veteran friends and father — even if they were blind to it.
Education lost. Science lost. Decency lost.
I’m not going to whine about rigged elections. Unlike our next president, I’ve never wavered from Democracy. I’m not going to move to Canada. I’m an American. I’m not going to flee to California. I’m a Texan.
I’m not going to say I hope he fails, God forbid. I'm not as low-class as that gasbag Rush Limbaugh. My expectations are low, my fears are high. But I hope to hell Trump does better than I expect and not as bad as I fear.
I listened to him try to be gracious on TV last night. He started by saying the right things, but he's surrounded himself with the wrong people. I fear that civility will soon be a victim of power. All of you who were so naive as to say you'd vote for someone who says bad things instead of does bad things (as if sexual assault isn't a bad enough thing) — you just wait to see what he'll do when he has what must seem to be unlimited power.
I don't get it. I'm no Democrat, by the way. I'm as independent as the day is long. It's just that the rise of the tea party has made moderate pretty damn liberal. I know there are good Republicans out there. People who believe in conservative policy rather than a hate-based social issue agenda. I hope they rise up — tomorrow isn't soon enough — and say "enough of this shit."
I don’t know if this will be just a bumpy four years or if this is a start of some horrible new era. I don't know how many hateful and uneducated people out there. A lot. Many more than I thought. But there are many, many more who will tolerate those people. Who will look away.
I can't do that. I'm going to fight. I have to.
I'm going to have to be a better man. To protect my oldest son from those who would prey on his gentle nature. To protect my youngest son from those who would throw his future away ("It's too expensive! Jesus made him that way!") To protect my daughter from those who think it's their right to use her as they see fit.
I'm tired of losing.