I know you're keeping the country safe by keeping watch over the American heroes ... uh, sorry, I mean "Obama shock troops" ... that are training in, uh, "invading" Texas right now as part of Jade Helm 15.
But aren't you lonely? Couldn't you use another patriot in your life? No, not like Uncle Zeke. We mean a companion for romance and, maybe a little canoodling under the tinfoil.
(Don't look at us like that. We didn't know about you and Uncle Zeke. Really.)
This is why we are introducing PatriotMingle.com -- the perfect place to meet someone who won't look at you funny when go on a 3-hour rant about the CIA Fluoride Poison Cabal.
In order to better help you meet the freedom fighter of your dreams, we're asking you to answer just a few questions.
Here we go!
1. If you could steal any item from a military surplus store and get away with it, what would it be?
2. How much wood would Chuck Norris chuck if Chuck Norris could chuck wood?
3. If you didn't answer either "All of it" or "Chuck Norris can chuck whatever the fuck he wants" to Question No. 2, please tell us when you started hating America and why.
4. Someone commits a horrible act of violence with a semiautomatic weapon. Do you ... A) Bury your guns next to the mason jars in the yard and wait for Obama to come find them? B) Get in a fist-fight with Jeb over the last box of .22 ammo at Cabela's? C) Take out a second mortgage on your trailer and send all the money to the NRA? D) Immediately start posting insensitive comments on local lame-stream news stories?
5. If you could have anyone's beard on Duck Dynasty, whose would it be? What's stopping you, pussy?
6. A hockey puck of mass 0.16 kg is slapped so that its velocity is 50 m/sec. It slides 40 meters across the ice before coming to rest. How much work is done by friction on the puck?
7. If you met a woman buying Soldier of Fortune magazine, an "Ain't Skeered" T-Shirt and a Budweiser tallboy while maneuvering her scooter through the express lane at Wal-Mart, what camo pattern would your wedding tux be?
8. There's more than one way to skin a cat. Please name 3 and the type of knife you would use for each.
9. If Ted Nugent fell off a deer stand and, say, impaled himself with a dozen rusty hunting arrows, how long would you fly the Confederate flag at half-staff?
10. If you love guns and America and think you're tough enough to "supervise" the Army's Special Operations Forces, why didn't you join the military? No need to answer this one.
Thank you, and we'll get back to you with your top matches!